Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
