I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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