they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
