Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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