youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
