I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
