my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
