The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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