hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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