I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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