cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
