I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
