He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
