If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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