he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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