apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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