After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
