Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
