i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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