so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
