i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
