Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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