my phone needs a breathalizer
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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