He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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