She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize