Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
