Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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