my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
