i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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