Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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