Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I could make wine with my vomit
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
