You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
