Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
