Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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