i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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