Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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