I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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