Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
