Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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