Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
