You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
