God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
