Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
