I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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