the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize