He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
