There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize