You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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