Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
