i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
