dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
