I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
