Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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