the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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