you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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