Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
