FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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