I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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