Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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