When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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