My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Did I show you my penis last night?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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